English - therefore a g*t, short, attracts violent women -

Large nose, attracts no women -

Large stomach, married to Nicola -

Mobile nose, scarred head -

Dodgy fingers, speech impediment -

Loud voice, a vegetarian -

Loud voice, drinks to excess (when the wife's away) -

Size, drinking ability, in love, paddling pools -

Age, daddy of the tour -

Youth (bast**d), baby of the tour -

Welsh, overweight + likes young boys (in fact anything still warm) -

Handling suspect (especially in bed), hates the English (see Trouty) -

Sun tan, no hair -

Quiet man, smells of sewage -

Likes ice cream, walks a lot -

Likes buns, fanatical 'Gers supporter -

Incomprehensible, of a different place -

Garnddaddy of the tour, sun tan -

Uncontrollable giggler, sexually active, believes he is John Wayne -

Our clubs first millionaire (perhaps) -

Plays football and with Sharon -

Never shuts up, never drinks Rum -

Smells of fish, always scores -

Poser of the tour, attracts women -

Irish - need we say more -

Limp, more grey hair than most -

Enormous nose, skin diseases -